Rebuilding Life After Fire Loss with Emily Jameson

Hey guys welcome to today's episode of the Learn Feng Shui podcast I'm Candice Berlanga certified funu practitioner and red ribbon professional with the international funu Guild so today's topic a little more serious rebuilding your life after fire loss uh where do we start you know what what happens in those early days after you lose your home to a fire um as you may or may not know uh Texas has experienced one of the largest wildfires in the history of the state burning over a million acres and losing about 4 to 500 homes that were total loss and uh I mean it's just kind of been devastating to the state you know uh and so today to talk about how to start rebuilding you know is Emily Jameson so Emily is a trauma informed master certified life coach and she specializes in helping women rebuild their lives after losing their homes to a fire and this is actually a passion that's been born out of her own experience of surviving two total lost house fires so I can't even imagine a little bit of a backstory and kind of synchronicity on me and Emily here um I actually met her about a year ago and when I did the funu for her home um she's a client of mine and then days after we met her home you know she had a total lost house fire and my heart just went out to her so we stayed in touch and you know we did a little funu for uh the home she was renting and her temporary arrangements and um she actually you know has just been rebuilding her home and she messaged me um that Thursday and she told me she had a free downloadable guide and she's doing this coaching and that Monday the fires started and I thought oh my gosh let's this you know just seems too synch let's talk about this um so I had Emily come on the radio program that I do once a month I thought it'd be great for a regional audience but also want to share with you guys um because um Emily's guide and her wisdom is not just for people experiencing house fires but people experiencing trauma also on a little bit of a personal note I do feel like I was kind of sporadic and maybe all over the place and so if you are listening to this and you hear my line of questioning or my uh thoughts and they kind of don't make sense it's because I was actually very distracted not because of Emily her Insight was so helpful um but because I hadn't slept the night before and my family was actually going through their own a traumatic experience you know my um my cousin's 18-year-old son had been on life support for two weeks and um they you know he passed and they um were taking him off life support and harvesting his organs the day I exact day I recorded this and um so I just obviously couldn't take my mind I actually had to uh leave the you know recording studio and go straight to the hospital and I made it just in time to um you know to uh witness witness that and so uh when I say that Emily's guide is not just for a fire trauma but for other traumas too highly recommend you go check that out um so if you praying person you know meditating person whatever hold a space for my family and uh my cousin again who lost her young son he was about to graduate um it's just been a really big blow to the family um just been super hard I was able to take um the last week off I didn't plan on it but it it tend to work out just fine worked out really well and spent some time with my extended family and it was kind of healing to the soul and so you guys just keep them in your uh thoughts and prayers so let's go ahead and get to Emily and welcome her and today again talking about rebuilding your life after fire loss Emily thank you so much again so yeah so um just kind of starting off um I know so we talked a little bit about or not we didn't but before the show started and the topic was you know people wanting to help and they make all these donations and and there's just this overwhelming hope or help that comes in but sometimes you know we don't need the um I suppose the physical donation sometimes there's too much of that stuff and so how can we start off just supporting our family members you know in that emotional way well one of the things that I think the so many people like you know your heart I think each one of us like if something like this is happening to someone that we know we are overcome with emotion right like you want to connect you want to reach out you want to talk to this person you want to make sure you're okay you're processing like what would I do if this happen to me oh my gosh and it can be a lot and one of the things that I would like to help equip more people to do as supportive you know friends and family members is understand this little kind of concept which is to comfort in dump out so what does that mean like imagine that you you know you you throw a pebble into a pool of water you're going to see those concentric Rings coming out from that right so if we're kind of holding that concept of concentric Rings or like a you know a target with like a bullseye in the middle you have the person who's most affected by the crisis in the middle of those circles that is the person who needs the comfort and the next ring out would be like their spouse their intimate partner or like really really close family friends people who are like the closest Circle to that individual then the next ring out from that would be like you know other friends other family members and then you can imagine like one circle out from that would be like church family other people colleagues work colleagues like other people who are connected so the idea of this is that Comfort needs to go in to the person who's affected and then any like you know stress or worries or whatever that someone is having needs be dumped to one circle out does that make sense yes yes yeah I think so the idea is that you like the you know the gift that you're giving isn't going to that person and kind of like dumping all of your emotional worries and concerns onto the people who are the most affected and I think if we all learn how to very you know like maybe responsibly be aware of how we're supporting people emotionally it helps the person in the middle to do their healing work or to attend to what they need to attend to which is especially in the aftermath of a fire is immense without having to carry and support emotionally the people around them yeah for sure I think that it is easy to kind of make it about you and your feelings about the situation you know because we all have these strong feelings I mean even just kind of watching from afar you know and um I I'm dealing with some family stuff right now too and it's not about me it's it's I'm not even super close to the situation but I still have these big feelings right and so yeah but you're right that doesn't need to be shared with the person closest to totally so call your best friend right and and like dump all of that onto your best friend because I'm sure that they're happy to hold that for you it's a way that they can support you so that you can then better support your family yes yes and so when I know one of the things you cover too is kind of looking so we're talking about those emotional the emotional support and so I know we tend to want to give items to gift items you know and replace all those things right away but I know according to your you have a downloadable PDF what talks about kind of restoring your life after um losing it you know or even experiencing some kind of tragedy but in this case it's you know you're losing your possession and you're losing it's not just you know an an emotional loss or the loss of a loved one even but the loss of everything you had you yeah and so um one of the things you kind of touch on too is looking at not feeling the need to replace everything right away yeah that's been really interesting um one of the things that I noticed from my own experience is it's actually kind of connected to your nervous system and it's extremely jarring to your nervous system to suddenly be like without any of the things that you had so like you know we all kind of have like a set point of like what are we're comfortable with and then when that just drop the bottom of that drops out you feel almost like you're free falling like you you aren't connected to yourself and your space to the Creature Comforts that you had and sometimes we have this compulsion to just like go out and like buy a whole bunch of stuff all of a sudden and I encourage people to kind of like pause like you know obviously there's a level you need underwear you need some clothes to wear but you may not really want to just go back and buy everything exactly what you had before there's you know this is a space where in my coaching and the way I work with people I want to invite them to move into this area where you know in between what you had before and and what you're going to create for yourself in the future and really start to connect with what it is that you want to create for yourself because you know being being someone who's lost everything in a fire and and you know too Candace as someone who who is very intimately familiar with the the element in in Chinese astrology and what that means in F like you know fire is one of the quickest activators of change and and it's devastating and it's traumatic but it also kind of like it clears the slate and so in that space this is I think is the turning point that I invite my clients in into is to consider what they really want to create for themselves going forward like are they that person who needs 10 business suits or was that their old life you know or like who are they now and who do they want to be going forward and then begin to get in touch with that and that's not something that happens in like the days and weeks right after going through the devastation of the fire and Pro assessing all of that loss but in those months after that as the dust settles a little bit that's the space that I I want to bring people into curiosity you know like who do I get to be now what is it that I get to create with my life and in this rebuilding process and I I think if we can tune into and tap into that there can be a little bit of a thrill a little excitement and that is a glimmer that I want to invite people people to like move into that space and kind of before they move into that space obviously there's a lot of emotions and and some things going on like that and you talked about kind of restoring the nervous system during that time and kind of working through that first um how does one start even processing I think you know this um this trauma like how do you even start coming to terms with it you know where do you start at well that is such a good question and I think that you know that ends up looking lots of different ways for people um first of all the things that happen inside of our bodies as a response to a a crisis like that you know there's a a huge spike in Adrenaline and many people like can't sleep because you're in you're totally in that like you know fight or flight kind of crisis response mode so our bodies are flooded with you know adrenaline and then also cortisol and those help us to respond to the crisis at hand and get everything done and and you're also kind of in a State of Shock really which is a protective mechanism to keep you from fully processing emotionally what you're going through that's kind of Saved until later so after you know maybe 72 hours or so is when the rush of those hormones in your body start to subside and then a lot of times people experience fatigue and just that kind of like Drop in oh and that's I think is more of the space of like oh my gosh this is real like what do I do now so um for restoring the nervous system that that can happen in lots and lots of different ways and sometimes it's just like you know giving yourself understanding first of all that what's happening is totally normal that your body can't keep going at that level of like you know that eyes wide open like big heightened awareness like extra energy and responding kind of in that like crisis response sort of mode some people are going to react that way other people might go into a state of collapsed earlier that's kind of just like another parasympathetic nervous system response and then in the weeks after just attending to yourself and and letting yourself be flow if you need to be slow taking deep calming breaths if you can that's a really important way of resetting the nervous system um one thing too is like you know whatever kind of your go-to is is in sometimes it's exercise for people right like getting out moving the body so that that stuff can like get mve through the body and then you can kind of get yourself back to this point of homeostasis I have a technique that I always start with my clients where that's the first thing that I know we have to do is getting them brought back into what we call that window of Tolerance where is the space that your nervous system is used to functioning at and when you're blown out of it it's you know you aren't your best self so you're responding to the immediate needs of your family your shelter your you know what are you going to wear how are you going to have food like all of those things are pressing and immediate and at the same time most of us have families and we have kids and we need to also be ATT tuning with them and and and that's the space that right away you know like if you can anchor Yourself by understanding that you need to do what you can do to get your nervous system brought back you know into that window of Tolerance then from there you can also be checking in and connecting with your kids and making sure that they know that they're safe and and doing the things that you know I talk about those rituals too the rituals of connection that help us they actually really are part of what brings us into our back into our window of Tolerance and um so for in my case I have an eight-year-old son and he was there when our home burned down so you know the whole the whole Arc of things are on fire oh now it's blazing you know we're running away and trying to get to safety he was there for all of that M and one of the best pieces of advice that someone gave me which you know I'm grateful for even though I'm a trauma conscious informed coach I you kind of like forget sometimes and you it's helpful when you can hear something from someone you're like oh yeah that's what I need to be doing yeah so um I was advised to just keep the rituals with my son the same we went and stayed at my mother-in-law's house and you know so he wasn't in his same bedroom he didn't have any of his same stuff but our nighttime routine was bedtime you know to have your bath we go through you know all of the brushing the teeth and getting ready have your bath have your story mom smuggles with you go to sleep and I worked to really keep that the same so that that was an anchoring connected predictable time and and I you know and I brought that into my coaching program because I also saw for my myself like what were my rituals what were the things that helped me to connect with old Emily in this weird space of suddenly being you know wearing someone else's clothes and living in someone else's home but I realized that for me I had a ritual of always having a cup of coffee so we can change a routine into a meaningful ritual by really just bringing mindfulness to it and so you know I advise people to find a point of connection with yourself that kind of can be the bridge between who you know the life that you had prior to the the traumatic event and and help you with like I'm still me you know I still love to get up in the morning and make a cup of coffee and stand there and savor it and think about my day so when we can find those things to like like cling to kind of like your rock in the storm those help anchor us in a time when everything else is like turbulent and unpredictable and it's something to look forward to but something to find connection with yourself you know with your kids and then if you have a a partner think about the way you can make it a point of connecting meaningfully every day with them as well and I think those are very very critical things to do in the immediacy of this type of loss right things you can you know within the parameter of your control I suppose you can't right exactly that is exactly it Candice it is having that little tiny bit of control of your life and like I'm making this choice for me now right no matter where you're at if you're at the Red Cross shelter you probably can find a cup of coffee and you just bring your senses into it like this is me enjoying this or if you don't like coffee you know tea or whatever whatever cold glass of water whatever your thing is if you're a runner going on a run if you're a person who likes to walk and you're walking and that's your your thing that you get to do every day for you because it's a choice that you're making to really just establish your own still your sense of control and efficacy in your life even if everything else is not something you have control over over that helps people a ton yeah for sure it's probably hard to keep those rituals too because you're you know calling making your calls running around and so you're right just being mindful I think and and taking a few minutes maybe during the day to say I'm to be long and that's why you know I think um with you know with our kids that's that's stuff that we do in the evenings regardless you know and with ourselves um um you know I'm I can just speak for myself but I've been a coffee drinker for you know 25 years so I'm you know I'm gonna get up and have that cup of coffee before I start doing all of the other things I had to do and and fire loss you is just like having an unwanted additional part-time or full-time job there's a lot to be done but you still are going to get up in the morning and even two or three minutes of just like this is me like I'm here having this moment with myself and understanding that it's not going to be like this forever you know I think it helps give us that groundedness and from that place of being a little more grounded and a little more connected then we can just handle the things that are that have to happen which are all hugely stressful yeah and you know this I mean this also pertains we were kind of talking yesterday we G you know rundown for the show and this is you know can be applied to different trauma events in your life it doesn't just have to be for fire events and so yeah I think just kind of you know moving that over to you know what that looks like for you if you're experiencing some you know even being between homes or you know facing divorce and you're having to move or whatever you know yes yeah how you know speaking of your kids too like how do you help you lost your home in a fire as a teenager also and so last year and then when you were a teenager and so how do you know kids I think might be harder to come to terms with the things they love or their childhood memories you know I think where do you start with that it's a big question so I you know the way that things went when I was in high school was the 90s and um and what I've realized since then is that the '90s were not a trauma informed time I think every single one of us can agree with that yeah that's what just get over it yeah you're fine so we were just expected to like you know suck it up and move on and that was you know my parents just did not have the skills to help Shepherd us they had four kids I'm the oldest of four kids and they I think they were really overwhelmed they didn't know what to do except they're Baby Boomers right so they were just like okay well let's all get back to work and like just keep moving forward in our case one of my siblings had accidentally started the fire and so there was a whole there was there's absolute emotional trauma there for for him and my parents um just told us like told us kids to not talk about it I remember the day when they said don't talk about about this which is the wrong advice so the the impact of that time on me really actually comes back to that moment of them saying don't talk about this and then me just holding all of that in my body having tons of feelings about the whole situation and nowhere to take that no like I didn't I didn't have any resources or I couldn't like take myself to counseling You Know M and so I've spent many many years like working through that as an adult and in this case you know what's what is also kind of interesting about my story at least that's interesting to me is that I became a trauma certified coach years before I went through this second fire so when I went through the second event I had this like bro bust toolbox to turn to right is still stressful and still really really hard but I had a lot more training I had a lot more knowledge I could understand what was happening to me and my partner and the first important thing was to not make talking about it feel like a taboo like to you know I would I would follow my son's lead um and we would talk about it and one of the things that was really critical at first so we have three dogs we have seven acres in Washington and um you know we have animals and one of our our cat was a an outside cat and she sometimes slept in the garage so we really did not know if she had made it or not and we we left as quickly as we could you know we took our dogs but we didn't know where the cat was and my son was worried that she had died and so we went back you know it was probably a few days later after I realized that he was really concerned about the cat so we went back um and and what we were planning to do was to kind of just you know honor the importance of the cat and and in a small way like have a you know I guess funeral so so to speak but she she emerged so somehow you know it's like literally true cats have nine lives and she she was running around so at that point we knew we had to like get food and we ended up take going back to the property every day and feeding her because that was really her domain was on the property but addressing that and was a big thing and then what we also did was you know with my son be there at the devastation at the site and and talk about like what we missed like what we loved and what we missed and and kind of just try to like you know intentionally come into that space of acknowledging the loss you know I think grief is something that I personally don't think we are well equipped to navigate in our culture even though everybody's going to face it at some point but on the other hand you don't really like you just have to go through it to learn how to navigate it no one can really prepare You by telling you about grief until you are walking through it right so the best things are to be open and and talk honestly with kids because kids are extremely perceptive and they're paying really close attention so my son every once in a while like expressed that he felt like he was unhappy with himself because he thought he should have done more in the moment to help with the fire he was seven years old when this happened and you know from that child perspective he was he felt like he didn't do anything to help and he was you know how kids like their Locust of the world is is them and as an adult of course there's nothing he could have done that would have made a difference and so I really tuned into that and tried to tell him how proud I was of what he did do which is do exactly what I told him to do and stay sitting in one spot you know while my my husband went and tried to put out the fire and like deal with it and so over time as I've had opportunities to just kind of reinforce like you did such a good job of following directions when it really mattered and I'm really proud of you how that went I'm I'm trying to kind of pepper that in so that he'll receive that and and maybe internally change his own memory of how that event went and his his role in it you know that the adult's job to keep the kids safe and you did a great job by being a really good listener when it really mattered oh yeah that's that's um I think super important so to let your kids kind of lean into those emotions and kind of address them as they come up instead of obviously we don't want to you know stomp those emotions out we don't want our kids to no we don't we don't and this is where it you know coming back to that whole like the idea of bringing yourself back into your window of Tolerance when we and I'm speaking as the you know adults in a situation are too stressed we often become like impatient or Snappy and or like you know maybe inadvertently like shut down the the kids or aren't really attuned to you know what is the need behind this behavior that I'm witnessing on top right so that's especially why I really want to guide people back to like that you know I me I guess self-care is kind of the word but more of this like self-awareness of you know what do I need to do to take care of me right now are there you know there's like you know herbal supplements for stress that I could be getting for myself that'll help me just in the moment you know come back as much as I can to regulate myself so that then I can be responsive what's interesting about trauma is that trauma is not so much the actual event itself it's what happens as a result of the event so there's this great quote that I love it says you know trauma is not what happens to you it's what happens inside of you as a result of what happens to you so how our caregivers are connected with us how our community rallies or comes in to support us those are the ways that trauma is actually mitigated for somebody it's about like being believed it's about being seen you know kind of like witnessed and when we're having you know a an event like a house fire like a death you know like a loss of some kind having support and and being you know being you know I guess supported is a word I feel like I'm using way too much but like having people understand and give space for the processing of emotions which can be wild right like wildly variable but understanding that this is happening and this person needs you know space or a meal prepared for them or whatever we can do but with a lot of curiosity a lot of compassion that is how something then does not become an event that is very deeply imprinted with trauma that you spend the of your life trying to overcome got you so I think just dealing with it as it comes probably is just the best because I know there's a whole range of emotions that go through trauma again like I said I've I've actually had some family stuff going on this week and um I've seen anger I've seen blame I've seen you know let's you know try to control certain things that are just you know they're they're out of the realm of control again yeah yeah so I think just deal exact like it's it's just understanding that grief is at the heart of this boss right that that there's the the there's the event that happened with your family with all the fires that are that are moving through West Texas there is there's these events happening and then there's the depth of the loss and the grief that goes with that and grief is a very broad spectrum like how people handle grief you know it's it's wide and it's varied and and it's something that I think we would all benefit from looking at with a lot of compassion and a lot of curiosity and for people who are processing that loss and dealing with their own grief and then trying to support other people through it that just makes it doubly important to Resource yourself you know whether it's getting into counseling or you know finding someone one one Circle outside of where you're at to be the person you can go to with your big feelings right that like dump out yeah for sure so that you can turn back in to your family or the people who are in the center with you and and be able to give them more comfort and stability and it it sucks it's really hard it's hard to be affected by these crises and also trying to attend to and Minister and support and love the other people who need it yeah yes for sure for sure um I'm also here today I actually sit in with Candice my name is Bri hi hi hi Bri um and I actually had a house fire I guess it was probably let's see my my son was four months old and he's going to be 13 this year but luckily it was only my kitchen but you know what I when the whole time you've been talking all I thought about was how daunting the insurance process is right you're already dealing with such a loss and I it was a rented house at the time and the insurance came in and they're like o we cover this but not that we cover that and not that and I was just like so confused I had no kit everything was black I'm trying to think how do I rebuild with a four-month-old you know yeah and so um you know because the insurance was like oh we'll rebuild the kitchen but anything else that has firea on it we're not touching we don't pay for the cleaning part of that and also we're not going to pay to have it replaced and I was like it was literally just the structure so I think you know when you're thinking about insurance even as a renter so many people think I don't need renters insurance you know if we own a home home obviously most of us have homeowners insurance but I think it's super important to read through your policy cuz that was probably the hardest lesson and you know you're already dealing with a loss and then you're fighting the insurance and it was just an awful time and I was 22 years old at the time right I was super young didn't know life hardly and I just think you know I I'm very grateful that at the time it was only the kitchen but you know when you're dealing with the trauma and then the insurance trauma is a completely separate thing in itself for real yeah right can you talk a little bit about that side of it I mean I don't know if you work like how is it getting up and going to work still every day well for me you know my work is my my own business I'm a I'm a solopreneur as they say and so you know in some ways that was there was a silver lining to that for me um because I I had a few clients but I I was I was just completely consumed by the things that needed to happen for my family for my son and um and so I didn't take on more work when I when my parents house burned down when I was 17 both of my parents had full-time jobs and so that could also definitely be part of the reason why they just had no bandw for helping like really paying attention to the things that the kids needed and they were just trying to get through a day and I think like on the insurance side of things you know insurance companies range so we were fortunate I would say that for us it was a silver lining that we did end up with a good insurance company but you don't know like you don't know so when you're choosing an insurance company who's going to be the most responsive and attentive and when I'm in a crisis and I really need them right so I think what you're saying here is a one is a great word of warning and there are some things you know to just put out there for people who aren't in this situation right now which is absolutely check your coverage in our situation with the insurance company we were underinsured for the rebuilding of our home we have this policy you know five years ago or whatever and since then Co happened which completely changed the cost of building materials oh all the like you know supply chain stuff I don't know if people would even say it's actually back to what it was but just the basic cost of wood is completely different than it was 5 years ago and so the cost to rebuild our home was more than the coverage that we had and while our insurance company was like really good they were working with us to the maximum extent that they were able what I would say to people is that if you're listening and you're you're you know your house has not burned down or you don't have renters insurance go get renters insurance whatever it's going to cost you is going to be worth it when something happens and you need to have that coverage and if you own a home you should go and review your policy and actually check and make sure that you have coverage that's going to help you build a home with you know a replacement at replacement cost if something were to happen and I think reviewing that every once in a while is a really really really good idea yeah I agree there was nothing worse you know as I was sitting there trying to wash all my dishes that had been burned and and then I got to the point where I was like I'm just throwing these away you know because and I had just been married at the time and a lot of it was like my fancy China that was gifted to me sad and I was just like I can't do this because you're just so emotionally broken I was looking at the whole burnt kitchen and I'm like I'm just going to throw it away and restart and do you think you know luckily you know my son doesn't remember that but when we're talking about restarting is it healthier to say okay I I'm good with restarting now let me pick myself up is it healthier you know I know the grieving process is a different time for every single person but yeah when you're talking about restarting what is the healthy way the healthy first step to do that oh my goodness good question you I think that is a good question and it also varies so much from person to person right and I had the most fascinating experience as I have been developing this program I have a 12-week coaching program for people who are rebuilding their lives after losing their home to Fire and as I was doing this I was conducting interviews with other people who had gone through the loss of their home in a fire and I had never had the chance to actually sit like to speak with people in this way that I did before and when I got to talk to people about what they' experienced you know the impact it it ranged because some people were still very affected you know even 20 years later had a lot of really complicated emotions and grief still coming up about what they'd gone through other people were like yep that like that was then and I got through it and I I don't think about it now I'm not affected so it's you know honestly if I could even do more research on the wise of how some people you know kind of just bounce back and move forward and you know don't experience Trauma from something like this happening and why other people do I find it very fascinating but it is kind of like a person by person sort of thing so in our situation I think um my partner is very very sentimental and the things that he had you know were he his father had passed away about eight years ago and he's a hunter and you know he had like pictures of you know things that times he had been hunting with his dad those were really special to him he had mounts that he had done from when um you know he was a teenager and and the loss of that stuff for I think I I would say for myself as well like the things that we lost that were really like tangible kind of memorable things that connected us to family members that we loved or you know experiences that we' had those things that really hit the hardest um in my case you know I'm throughout the course of my life and it it also could be colored by going through this experience when I was younger I have been a little it's been a little bit easier for me I think to kind of just be like okay all right this is where we're at now I'm going to dust myself off we're going to move forward we're gonna you know we're going to kind of reconceptualize how we want our life to be but for him because of the connection to all these you know really Cherished Memories the loss of that stuff really hit hard and it like it's just going through layers and layers of grief so I guess to ask to answer your question the long way around Bri I think that it comes back to each person you know kind of navigating that on their own and and understanding that the grieving process is not linear you're not going to be like oh good it's been a month since this happened to me and I'm good now no you're going to grieve I think seasonally as you kind of move into a new season or like I remember when we moved into our rental house we were living with my mother-in-law for about four months while we you know took a while to find a rental house to move into and then it took two more months from finding it for it to be available for us to move in so four months after our house burned down we moved into this rental house it was a furnished rental but I'm in the kitchen trying to make dinner for my family and while it had a lot of kitchen items it didn't have everything so it did not have a vegetable peeler and I was I looked everywhere you know there's all kinds of random gadgets no vegetable peeler and I started crying because in my old kitchen I had four vegetable peelers you know and now I'm you know just confronting with like okay so just to make dinner for my family tonight I have to go to the store I have to buy a vegetable peeler I have to come home like it it just felt like everything sometimes was like to get one thing done you have to do three things to get back to the point where you know in your old life you would have just opened this drawer pulled out this vegetable peeler you know peeled the carrots moved on with your life and I think those things it's kind of weird like what it is for everybody that will bring up the emotion but my advice for that is to engage it and I that is some of the best advice that I was given and and in my late 20s I I had a roommate um who suddenly passed away and I I had like no skills for really navigating grief at that time but one my therapist told me like grief is going to feel like a tidal wave coming at you and many times our inclination is to just run away from it right like push it away not have to go there except that is it's still going to come you know if you push it down it's like the force of it coming back up is going to be even more like there will be times and and if you don't engage it the times that it comes back up are going to be like the most inconvenient times so your job is to just like be there and meet it and like the words that she used are kind of kind of a little weird but she said just like nibble at the edge of it like take what you can take and let that and just do that and then it will subside and when it comes back up the next time you just you just need it you just do what you can do and it will subside and that's that's your work of like meeting the grief being in it for the moment that it comes for you and then letting it go so that so that you're you know you're able to eventually experience it less and less and move forward but if you don't do that work you know it's still lingering in the background asking to be seen I think it really is those times you know we we put on our brave face and we put on a you know I'm strong I can do this and that and then it's like the smallest inconvenience is the time but just I'll lose it right it's the time where I just break down and that's that that will get me so I 100% understand that understand that and the the hard part is like letting it you know just letting it letting the tears flow letting the feelings be felt and I think that generationally it's also really interesting with how my son you know like how he feels about crying you know he's like I just have to let it out you know and like it's also interesting to be alive now and there's a ton of science about what teers actually do you know they really are cleansing they really do release you know the stress like it's it's just a natural release and when it's done it's done and it's not a sign of weakness it's just a physiological resp response that if we can if we can you know uncouple from it meaning anything good or bad but just be like oh this is my body like letting like opening up the pressure valve and letting it out it's a good way to look at it yeah let some pressure out so we just have a couple more minutes I know you said you are a trauma coach do you have like a website or a phone number that anyone can reach you at absolutely I do um I have I would love to invite people to check out the guide that I created that's at um discovery. Emily Jameson coaching.com I spell my last name just like the whiskey Emily J M S coaching.com my website is Emily Jameson coaching.com and my phone number is 50957 17784 I'm on Instagram at the Emily Jameson and I'm on LinkedIn and Facebook as well under Emily Jameson coaching perfect well and I just started a podcast but it won't be live until next week but my podcast is called from ashes to empowerment I'll be excited to give that a I just think you were a wealth of information I know I didn't talk too much I was taking in taking it at all very um and I just think think yeah if anyone can go to your website or reach out to you I think you'll be an amazing help to them thank you so much for having me I really hope that there were some things that are able to help people in your community as they all you know navigate and respond to these crises you guys are facing right now all right guys well hope you found that information as um interesting and insightful as I did I think it's can be very helpful so hope hopefully if you you know or a loved one is going through something right now um you'll be able to use some of the tools that Emily talked about and of course if you need to get a hold of her all her information will be linked in the show notes for you to download that free guide and if you want to contact her to talk um I'll catch you guys not next week it's Easter weekend um I think this whole situation is really kind of help me put in perspective um just really prioritizing my family and so I'll just be taking some time off and enjoying my long weekend and I'll catch you guys April 5th for the um energy update for April I can't believe that's already coming up so um yeah anyway you guys check all the links down below and I'll catch you guys April 5th